Written by: Chris Eldridge, LPC, Certified Grief Counseling Specialist

(originally written 04/14/23)

Spring has sprung and summer is not too far away. Many people are dreaming and planning for time spent outside, what activities or vacations they want to do with the weather taking a friendly turn. I’ve seen more people outside walking, running, or biking in my neighborhood.

Every year I remember an older couple who would walk by our house every single day, multiple times a day. When our daughter was a newborn and a toddler, they would wave to her all the time until the day when they no longer did. We have not seen this couple for several years. We do not know where they went or what may have happened to them. We have lost a couple who were part of our daily routine. For many of us, if not all of us, there will be times throughout a day, maybe weekly, maybe every now and then like with that elderly couple, where we remember a loss. In those moments where the loss is front and center we may experience many things, things that are surprising to us. We may feel sadness, anger, despair, joy, thankfulness, contentment. We may smirk at a memory or we may shed many tears. We may feel whatever we feel at that moment, and that is ok.

Everyone at some point in their lives will experience a loss. Losses can be disorientating to us, especially when we may feel conflicting emotions. It may feel like we are bouncing from one emotion or activity to another. Schut and Stroebe are two grief workers. Their grief model is know as Dual Process of Grieving. The basic idea in their model is that we oscillate between loss-orientation and restoration orientation coping. Throughout any given day we can have moments where a loss-orientation is predominant – this can be feeling sad, crying tears, remembering a memory, looking at pictures, etc. At some point, we oscillate towards a restoration moment where we of focus on getting things done – like going to work, shopping, etc. We are going to have doses / moments of a loss orientation and restoration orientation. I like the concept of oscillating between our feelings and experiences. I think that this helps us to have a framework for adjusting to our losses, whatever they may be.

When it comes to our grief, each of us will experience, process, and cope with it differently. There is no specific, universal experience of how we cope with grief for the type of loss, and our relationship with the loss is unique and varied. Grief models can help us to see aspects that connect with our experience, that help us to normalize our experiences. Some of my clients will probably recognize this quote from the G.I. Joe cartoon public service announcements: “Knowing is half the battle.” Knowing that we can oscillate between a loss and restoration orientation can help us to be more compassionate towards ourselves for the grief we have, for the loss(es) we are processing and adjusting to. Loss is going to happen, but so too is our adjustment to it.